How to be me?

   For so long, I was the daughter. The only daughter. Then I became the older sister. And as fast as that came it went and I was once again the daughter, the only daughter. I longed to be something more. 

I prayed to God every night to give me a sister. Specifically. Even though doctors informed my family that I was going to have a little brother, that fact came and went. However, God promised me a sister and that’s what I got. I did get a couple of brothers, but I didn’t get to keep them. 

Being a sister, was fun…sometimes. But the responsibilities were overwhelming at times. Not to mention frustrating. I got so used to pleasing my parents and other family that I now had to learn someone new and share my existence with. 

Growing up in the family that I have was confusing to say the least. I was the daughter, the only sister, and the grand child. Most can accomplish those relationships. I longed to be something more. 

Throughout my life, I had friends. I had girlfriends, boyfriends, and best friends. But to date, none of those ever sustained long enough to miss them once they were gone. However, I longed to be something more. 

I knew the many things that I enjoyed but none were worth missing. I started growing scared of my future. What am I? What will I become? How will it happen? Will I be prepared? So I pushed it all aside, well actually behind me. I won’t deal with it, unless it starts making noises. 

I had so many influences on my life, that I didn’t want to make a wrong or bad decision in choosing to be like any one certain person, or thing. I weighed my options and decided that I would take a little from everyone and everything. And use it. But still, I longed to be something more. 

So I became the child of divorce. I had to learn to split my love, my emotions, my time and my faith in half. I had to settle on reality hitting me in the face. Being an adult at this time caused me to lose the closure to my childhood. The transition no longer existed. 

I feared that I would be thrown over board. I was grabbing and holding on to anything my hands rightfully owned. Only to realize, I forgot to make personal belongings, I forgot what meant the most to me, what could I live without? What did I need? What did I want to take with me? 

I grabbed a hold of the only thing that was holding on to me. The life vest that willingly cradled me in his arms and made the hurt go away. Made the decisions be quiet. The life vest that promised me that “everything will be ok”. 

I became a wife. I was an adult. I could make that decision…couldn’t I? So I did. But no one ever told me that marriage isn’t that fun. Especially when the voice in my conscience was trying to steer me the other way. My fight or flight reflex was on vacation. But my family tried to hard to reason with me. But they left me before I left them. So I didn’t listen. I hugged the life vest tighter. That itching feeling kept resurfacing, I still longed to be something more. 

After the many mountains that I climbed without leaving my front door, I became a mother. I put my other relationships aside. No more sisterly laughing at stupid things. No more mother daughter shopping sprees. No more watching Law and Order with my dad. No more fighting with my husband. No more wanting to be something more. Because I held the universe in my arms and cradled them closely to my breast. I was something more. I was everything. But why didn’t it feel that way? 

With so much water under the bridge why couldn’t I understand my own decisions. Where was everyone? What did I miss? Who am I? Is this where I wanted to be? I guess so, because I’m the only one standing on this bridge. Did I walk here? Did I fly here? Where am I? Do I want to be something more? 

I had so many questions. I had so many emotions. None felt real. Except for one, Super Mom. The protector of all things little. The guide to everything unknown to little hands. The impeachment of many hurts were erased by my lips. How did I become so much? Do they know who I am? They couldn’t. Because I don’t know who I am? 

Fake it until you make it. I once heard. Have I made it? Is this what I want? It has to be. How can you deny those beautiful blue eyes staring at me. Without speaking a word, asking for directions in life. Demanding to make the bad thing’s go away. 

But I’ve learned that medically I can’t make it go away. I can’t stop public from making it embarrassing. I can’t stop the bad people from laughing. I can’t stop the pain from watching their dad slip away further and further. I can’t be the daughter I once was because that girl is lost…somewhere. And I don’t remember where I left her. I can’t be the sister that she’s grown up with. Because she’s not the sister I remembered. Maybe I left her too. 

But now I’m a mom and a girlfriend and a friend. To the one’s I love the most. Is this what I longed to be? It has to be because that’s where I am. That’s who I am now. Making my decisions now, instead of tomorrow. Is this who I’m supposed to be? I’m not sure, but it feels more right everyday. 

I can try to stop the hurt. I can try to love the little and appreciate the big. I can try to understand the confusing and linger to know the future. For today is the day that will soon be the past and is the future with every decision. In a short 24 hours everything will change.

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