Broken Promises And Sacrifices

If you can remember, I recently wrote about my ex introducing me and our children to his new girlfriend. If you don’t remember or would like to read it, just click the link. (https://sheerchaos.wordpress.com/2009/10/22/meeting-the-exs-new-girlfriend/)

I was feeling confident that he might have actually found a real woman. Someone that he could share his lonely life with. Someone that was willing to put up with his personality and short comings. I struggled to except her and to allow her into our children’s lives. So with a guarded mind and an iron fist, I decided to allow our children to travel to Oregon to spend the Thanksgiving Holiday with them at their house.

Now something like this I wouldn’t have done. I would have thought about it for all of 2 seconds and dismissed it. Knowing he wouldn’t be able to follow through with his plans. I wouldn’t have even told our children about these plans, in fear they would get their hopes up and he’d come crashing down on them with is lack of responsibility. I wore those shoes for 8 years, I’d never place my children’s feet in them willingly.

BUT…I did. I excepted his invitation on behalf of the kids, with very strict rules. He promised he’d pick up and deliver them back to my house. Along with a few other restrictions, which he eagerly accepted with utter amazement that I was allowing this to happen. Gritting my teeth, I told him, “Your welcome.”

The next morning, I informed the kids of their holiday travels and adventures with their dad and his girlfriend in Oregon. After the ecstatic screaming and jumping stopped I let them know that they needed to get their chores done.

I couldn’t be happy for them. I felt like I may have put them in a hot air balloon ride that was going to come crashing down on them. I couldn’t share their excitement either, my babies aren’t going to be with me on a Thanksgiving. A holiday that I felt so thankful for. At this point in my life, this Thanksgiving seems the most important to me. I’ve learned a lot about myself recently and what means the most to me and was looking forward to this holiday.

Through out the following weeks my son and daughter have been counting down the morning that their dad was coming to get them. Often my 5 year old daughter would break down to tears at the fact that there were too many days until their departure. Reassuringly, I helped her through it. All the while, cursing him if he breaks this promise with them.

So late last night, (the night before the pick up), I hear my phone ringing. Without looking at the caller I.D. I answered the phone with, “Don’t even tell me you have a bad news!” and he say’s, “my girlfriend is packing my shit up as we speak and kicking me out of her house” My blood went from 98.6 to 105 in 60 seconds, as did my torrent of words flowing from my mouth. I was not going to let him sit there and cry to me on the phone and beg me to understand the position he’s in. I wanted him to understand that our children come first before anything.

After I slowed down, he began to speak. Explaining to me why and how this happened. As if I cared about the Why’s and the How’s. He was actually crying on the phone. As if that would change my demeanor…

When it comes to children, you do anything and everything to make their lives easier. You do whatever your girlfriend is demanding until after the kids aren’t around and then you handle your issues then. You make sacrifices that are hard and often times horrible. But you do them, without thinking twice about it.

He will never understand that. You make your self, as the “Adult”, INDEPENDENT. You can not depend on someone else for anything regarding your children. You have to be able to do it solo for their sake. If you become dependent on someone else, you are allowing that person to possibly drop the ball and the kids pay the price.

So having to choose between two evils was the problem I faced.

OPTION #1

Keep my children home for the holidays and not allow them to go with their dad. Then explain to them why they can’t go and how their dad couldn’t follow through on his plans because of something out of his control (that much is fact). Then risk being the “mean one” as the Grinch calls it. Leaving me to watch me kids heart literally breaking in front of me. Not because of something I did, but because of the words I’d have to say to them. No matter how gently you put it to them, they only know one thing, They get to spend time with their dad. Which is the only thing they ever really wanted.

OPTION #2

 

Allow my children to go with their dad in a barrowed co-workers car, travel down the winter weathered summit between Oregon and California, with no driver’s license, no insurance. Travel to his Aunt’s house for the 5 days, hope they have a good Thanksgiving. Hope, wish and pray that nothing happens to them on the way. Pray that he drives safely and doesn’t get into a car accident. Hope that the cops don’t decide to pull him over, check his license and see that he has a DUI suspended license, and no insurance, therefore confiscating his vehicle and my children.

What is a mother to do? So I chose option #2 and vow to him and my children, that I will never put my children or myself in this position again.

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9 thoughts on “Broken Promises And Sacrifices

  1. Wow! Your man sounds as though he has definite ideas about what independance means. I must say I agree with him and the Dr. but it’s what you think that matters. Rafe also sounds as if he loves you and supports you. He seems to be a keeper dear lady. You may have found your intellectual match. Jen

    1. He is definately a keeper, but intellectual match is where our battles lye. Makes for interesting conversations/arguements/etc.

      As for the Dr. comment he found, the jury is still out on that one.

  2. I love you and am happy I am not “independent” and can rely/depend on you. You may feel all of this is out of context of what you wrote, but it is not. I am here for you to worry right along side you. I feel your pain, I see your fear, and I will comfort you.

  3. http://www.alovelinksplus.com/advice/dr_dennis_neder/independent-woman.htm

    “Hello!

    Ah yes! The “independent woman syndrome”. Frankly, my students know to look (or listen) for this and to run for the hills when they see it coming. “Why” you’re probably asking? Because it’s simply a manifestation of the current “feminized society” – one in which many women have bought into but frankly, it’s also the reason that so many women are reporting the greatest dissatisfaction with their relationships of any time in history! What does this have to do with your situation? Read on…

    By espousing the fact that you’re an “independent woman” you’re also saying that you don’t need anyone in your life to be happy. Guess what that mindset does to you and your relationships? It actually makes it come about! Now, I can’t read this guys mind to know exactly what he’s thinking, but I’ll bet it has something to do with this attitude! Not only is it artificial (obviously so to those that understand it), but also dangerous. In effect it’s the backlash to another unhealthy attitude/psychological issue, that of co-dependence.

    Here’s another way to think: what about being “inter-dependent”? My new book talks much more about this concept, but in short; it takes your greatest skills and combines them with your partner’s greatest skills to become a real “power couple”. Neither person has to fight for “independence” or worry that they aren’t self-able. Instead, these two choose to be together and to draw off the strengths of the other to make themselves and their relationship something truly unique.

    Much of what you’ve described about your relationship sounds like your boyfriend trying to get enough distance to re-grow his own testicles and to find a relationship in which he can be the man. Do you think that your attitude here is conducive to him feeling sexual towards you?

    There’s a lot of speculation in this response, since I don’t know you or your situation. However, I’ve seen this same scenario time and again and it all starts with “…I’m an independent woman…” Interestingly, when you really delve into this statement, I’ve never seen a woman that wants to be truly “independent” because that simply leads to autonomy and being alone. This obviously isn’t your goal.

    I suggest that you rethink your position and how it affects your relationship. Being an independent woman is trendy, but not very attractive to most men. Further, you don’t really want this guy as your “friend” do you? You want something more. If he isn’t able to give that to you – for whatever reason, perhaps it’s time to move on and find someone that is. Just be sure you have something to offer your new partner too.

    Best regards…

    Dr. Dennis Neder”

  4. What I mean is, I admit you are an EQUAL in this relationship, but in order for a relationship to be a “relationship” and not “single” you MUST rely and DEPEND on others. Independent is for lonely SINGLE people…. A proper relationship requires having a person with you is accountable and dependable, or else it is better being “independent” and “single”… To claim you are “independent” disassociates you from the “relationship” and trust in your partner, which hurts.

    1. Yes, but you have to understand, I am not dependant on you. I’m an equal counter parter. If you weren’t there, I wouldn’t be left stranded, therefore making me independent

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