My Secret Love Affair Dream

       Lillian stood as far away from me as possible. In fact, she stood staring out the window at the night lights of our sleeping city. The lights reflecting off her bare shoulders.

            “Lillian! Please…look at me.” I demanded.

            “NO! David, I don’t think you can fix it this time.” She said holding her arms criss crossed, as if to hold herself together. “I’m wedged between two places, and I can’t get free…no matter how bad I want to stay or how bad I want to leave.”

            She began sobbing, which made my heart bleed. I hate it when she cries. I walked over to her wrapping my arms around her. I didn’t want her to fall apart or to feel alone. But she shrugged out my grasp slapping me as she turned around.

            “STOP! Stop. Lilly, as long as we’re together we can get through anything. This will pass too. Have faith in us.”

            “Faith? Are you serious? I gave you faith and trust over and over. I’ve given so much in this relationship that it often feels like I’m the only one in this relationship– if you can even call it a relationship. We never see the sunrise together or the moon set David. I don’t hear from you all day long. I’m more then just a warm body you know!”

            “I know. I know. Please don’t do this. I can’t handle not having you in my life. You are what keeps me going.”

            “Then you know what you have to do.” Lillian said with a firm tone.

            “But I can’t–“

            “Can’t means you won’t.”

            “Babe, you know that if I could, I’d spend every minute with you…but I can’t. You knew this coming into our relationship. Why are you changing the rules now?”

            “I don’t care about that anymore. I know what I want and I know what you told me you wanted, but somewhere it changed.”

            “Please stay here tonight. You know what’s inside my heart. I shouldn’t have to explain it to you, of all people. Why can’t you just be happy with what I’ve been able to give you…Don’t worry, your just upset.” I sat next to her on the bench in front of our piano.

            “I want someone that can be there for my birthday, Christmas’s, New Years and not have to watch the clock or worry about whose going to see us. I don’t want to be your secret anymore. I am proud of you and of us and yet I’m left here to feel guilty.” Her hands were flying out in every direction as she spoke, trying to emphasize her frustrations. “These walls are bare because we can’t have a real life together. No baby pictures to show anyone. I can’t brag about our romantic trips or tell my parents about us. There’s nothing…nothing but us with an empty skyline and stars behind us, always!”

            “So you’re willing to throw away what we’ve had for the last 8 years.”

            “I’m not throwing anything away, because it was never mine to have.” Tears rolling down her soft white cheeks.

            Lillian started grabbing her purse and shoes, stumbling as she made her way around our apartment. That’s when it hit me, she’s really serious, she’s really going to leave. When she put her hand on the door knob, I couldn’t control my mouth.

            “Think before you leave. This is no place for you to say good bye. Tell me that you believe…tell me! Tell me!” I said feeling her back against my chest with my hand on top of hers holding on to the door knob. “Taking your love away is not something I ever seen happening. I got a different ending to our story and I know its hard for you to listen. Tell me that you believe what fates been telling me. I know it’s hard for you to hear it through, but listen as I breath. Listen as my heart pleads for you to stay.”

            Turning to face me, Lillian kissed me on the lips with tear shrieked cheeks and smeared eye make-up, “I love you with all my heart David, I do. But I can’t share you any longer. I deserve 100% of you…not half. Now…please…let me go.”

            I stepped back and watched the love of my life leave as my heart broke into un-mendable pieces and our front door shut behind my Lillian. 

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