My Death Dream (Get your kleenex before reading)

UPDATE: This is going to seem “odd” but I wrote this dream I had (the blog below) then on June 26th, 2011 I experienced an accident almost exactly like this dream almost a year or so later. Click Here to read about my accident.  “Ok Mom. I love you. I’ll see you tomorrow. Give Jaden a kiss for me.” I said while shutting the driver’s side door to my grey minivan.   Backing out of her drive-way was sort of risky as you have to pull out into traffic. Timing is everything as she lived right on the corner of a busy intersection. The bright green glow from the light reflected off the passing cars, casting an ominous feel into the night.

            Waving back at my mom standing on her front porch felt normal and routine. I didn’t realize at the time that, that would be the last time my mom would see me alive—in my God given flesh. If I would have known otherwise, I wouldn’t have left that night. But I have no regrets, as my last words to her were from my heart and promising. I came through on my promise. I did see her the next morning. Though she didn’t see me—well not exactly.

            I made my way back to my home town. The yellow reflectors on the golden California interstate lead the way home as they jetted out under the bright bulbous moon. My music played on my stereo. Periodically my cell would light up the interior of my van. Letting me know I had a text message. I know it’s against the law to text and drive but it’s not like I am taking both hands off the wheel. It was Rafe asking if I was almost home. I replied to his text with the landmark I was passing. “Almost 2 the rest area.I love you.” The light went off acknowledging that it was sent successfully.

            A few minutes later I was driving through the road construction and approaching the south bridge in Red Bluff. I always make a conscience effort to not be on the phone over this particular bridge as the road is very rough and sometimes make my tires lurch to one side of the other. The bridge was getting closer with the swift moving Sacramento River beneath it. The moon’s reflection on the water as the dry land crept out on the sides painted the most surreal picture of the night. God’s beauty or his magnificent distraction—I’m not sure.

            The next thing I can remember is the right tire catching the soft shoulder gravel and catapulting the van over the beginning guard rail of the bridge and down the face of the small mountain face leading down to the river. While the van was airborne the soft twinkling sound of the harp and piano of the song playing on my stereo was all I could hear in the quietness before the crashing sound hit the roof crushing the passenger side completely. My arms tried to brace the roof above me as I spiraled down the mountain horizontally inside the van. Nothing but pitch black darkness could  be seen out the windows with the few passing flecks of the rotating moon peeking in through the rotations. The rolling seemed to continue forever. The windshield was the first window to blow out. I felt a tree branch poke into my left arm just as the van came to it’s final destination. I continued rolling down the rugged mountain side before coming to a complete stop.

            Laying side ways I could see the moon reflecting on to the murky waters, that kept washing up to the dirt and rocky shore that touched my cheek and caressed my bloody hair splayed out above my head. I didn’t feel any pain—yet. I could hear the rustling of water and the gentle hum of passing cars on the bridge above me. The cold rocks and water beneath me kept me awake. Almost like a gentle reminder to keep my eyes open. But I was so tired and exhausted. I was trying so hard to gather the strength to just sit up. I closed my eyes—just for a moment.

            All of a sudden I was walking down the side walk to my neighborhood. I did it! I managed to get up and walk home. I wasn’t hurt or wet from the water. I didn’t have my van; which I thought was odd. But I couldn’t have gotten it out of the brush and mountainous side by myself. Besides, I’m sure it was no longer drivable.  Rafe is going be upset, but I’m sure he’ll never let me live this one down. It was an accident after all. I know he’ll just be happy that I’m ok. What time is it anyway? I need to hurry up and get home. I started running toward our house. His Barbie car, I mean P.T. Cruiser was parked in its regular spot and the front porch light was on illuminating my arrival.

            Once inside, all the lights were off strangely. Was everyone in bed already? I looked at the living room clock—1:11 AM. Wow! I’m a lot later then I thought. I made my way into Kenny’s room. Kissed his forehead as he laid their sleeping. The heat from his forehead never seemed to touch my lips. I moved the hair off Aubry’s cheek and watched her sleep from the top bunk of her princess bed.

            I was beginning to get really tired and weak again. I walked into our bedroom. Climbed into bed next to Rafe. I didn’t bother getting undressed. I curled up next to Rafe’s knowingly warm body as I was starting to feel really cold. I placed my right ear on his chest as his arms stayed crossed behind his head. I could hear his heart beating in the darkness. Tha-thump. Tha-thump. Tha-thump. I ran my nails gently down his chest. I stayed in the darkness with him.

            He was awakened by a knock on the front door. I walked behind him as he answered the door. Who would be here this early in the morning? The sun was barely up and a faint outline of the moon was still visible I’m sure. Once the door was fully opened and the police officer’s came in I knew it wasn’t going be good news. Rafe sat down in the dark blue recliner I often sit in.

            “Rafe, buddy. We tried calling but kept getting no answer.” One officer said.

            “Come on in. Have a seat. What can I do for you guys? Is dispatch down again?” He said while rubbing his eyes.

            “No. We aren’t here on computer business. Do you have anyone you can call?” The second officer said.

            “No. Why? What’s going on?” Rafe’s eyes darted between the officers, worriedly.

            “Rafe, there’s been an accident last night. When we ran the plates, your address came up. Do you know an Alena Clark?” The first officer said while relaxing his hands on his police belt, standing tall.

            “Yes. That’s my girlfriend. Why? What’s happened? Is she ok?” he said in a rush.

            “I’m so sorry Rafe. She’s at St. Elizabeth’s hospital. It doesn’t look good. Her van flipped over the shoulder on the freeway just before the south bridge. She careened down the hillside. We got the call about 1:11 AM this morning. We didn’t know who she was until we ran her plates. We are really sorry. Do you have any one you can call?” placing a comforting hand on Rafe’s shoulder as he placed his head in his hands.

He began to cry as he spoke, “Have you called her family yet?” He asked.

         “We knew this involved you and, well, it became an internal matter, more personal. Would you like us to call them for you?” The second officer insisted.

         “No. I will. I have her children sleeping in their beds. I will call her mom.” He sighed as he reached for his cell to be the bearer of bad news.

            “Are you going to be ok alone? Would you like a ride to the hospital?”

            “I’ll be fine. I can handle it from here.” He looked dazed and confused and not very convincing. The officer’s let themselves out, closing the door behind them.  

            I don’t know what happened in those next few moments because my body became here and there. Real and un-real. Alive and verging on death in it’s divine nature. I could feel the pain raging in my physical body when I lingered more towards alive and beautiful unrelenting bliss in my more permanent form that I was preparing for.

            I stayed with Rafe as he was held prisoner in our house, awaiting my mom’s arrival from Redding. She had brought lots of family for support and distraction. Kenny and Aubry suspected something as they ate breakfast quietly with Jaden and Aunt Susan.

            I tried holding Rafe’s hand as he raced down the hallway to the hospital. He walks pretty fast. I hadn’t ever noticed that before.

            The closer we got to my hospital room the more real I became, the more pain I could feel in my lungs and my heart and my head. I couldn’t feel anything from the waist down and my vision became a lot more blurry. When I got closer to my physical body I went completely blind.

            I could hear the steady beeping of a mechanical heart and the forced air being pumped into my tired lungs. The moment he opened the door, I could see the too bright sterile lighting from the over head lights. I was mesmerized at the feelings coursing through me. I should have been sad, shocked, maybe even angry—but I wasn’t. I wanted to wrap my arms around Rafe as he held my battered hand, while he sat beside my bed.

            There was no changing the past, the accident. The only thing that was left, was the inevitable. I watched the room until everyone had their last words. One by one they trickled in with their tissues and tear streaked faces. I left the post, above the room, and took residence into my damaged body for the last time. As everyone said their goodbyes. When I was in this form, I couldn’t see anyone’s faces but I knew who they were by their presence, their touches.

            I felt my dad’s aging thick skin caress my cheek bone. I could smell my sister’s beautiful perfume and trembling hug. For the briefest moment, I believe I felt the many tattoo’s etched into Michelle’s skin. Possibly super sensitive touch allowed her skin to connect to mine. Just when I thought everyone had come in I could smell the alfalfa hay coming off the next person as if it were a hot summer day in a horse pastor. I could feel the wind breeze through my hair. Then I felt the soft curls of her hair brush against my cheek after she hugged me.

         The most memorable touch was my mother’s. Something I’d recognize even in death. The compassionate caressing of her nimble brittle fingers combing though my hair and the reassuring squeeze of her hands on mine. I wanted to hug her so badly. Never should she have to say goodbye to another one of her children. But I was only leaving my physical body. The higher ups felt I was ready and much more needed elsewhere.

       There was but two more visitors that needed to make their peace with my physical body. A much needed closure as it was symbolic. I wouldn’t begrudge them this.

            My fair skinned daughter carrying the beautiful sun in her tresses came in first. She wasn’t crying, maybe from the innocence of her age or by the strength that I taught her. She climbed up on to the bed beside me. She put her bubbly cheek next to mine and said, “I love you very much momma. I promise I won’t cry for you. Watch for the rainbows. That’s where I’ll be when I think of you, ok?” She kissed my lips and she was gone—for now.

            My dad led my gallant son in next, whom had been crying. I could tell he was on the verge of crying again. He could never hide his tears from me. He stood at the foot of the bed and broke down. Hitting his fist into the mattress, screaming.

            “WHY? Why my mom? Take me instead! MOM! Please don’t go. We need you” he continued to sob into my leg covered in the threaded hospital blankets.

            “Kenny, honey. You’ll see her again. I promise. She will always be with you in your heart baby. She will always be around. She’s going to heaven for now to take care of babies and stuff. Every time you see a pretty rainbow or a flower that stands out, that’s your mom.” My mom said petting his head and rubbing his back.

            “But I don’t want her to go. I need her here. I want to see her smiling at my jokes and hear her burping. I want her to hug me and kiss my forehead every night.” He said through sobs.

            “C’mon. Let’s go get some ice cream down stairs.”

            “She’ll be gone when we get back huh?” he asked.

            “Yes. God needs her.” My mom said.

            With a final kiss he walked out the door he came in. Looking back over his shoulder before letting the door close behind him.

            Rafe sat with me while I decided when I was ready to say goodbye to my body. Once the nurses came in and turned the machines off, he sat in the bed next to me. Cuddling me close to his warm chest that I could feel one last time. His wet tears dripped on to  my skin from his eyes. I could hear his heart beating loudly in my darkness. He whispered in my ear, “I will always love you. Let go now,” and I heard a sob escape his lips.

            It’s time. I took in one last deep breathe, pulling in his scent before I exhale and was catapulted out of my physical body.

            Time was not of importance any more. Day’s passed as second ticked by. It would seem unfair to the living.

            *                                  *                                  *                             *

            I watched as Rafe gave Michelle my blog password. She wrote the most endearing eulogy about me. Honoring my good nature and my chaotic thinking, and cherishing my mothering. She closed the post with the date and time of my memorial.

            My family followed through with my wishes as I had instructed them when I was in my earthy body. The donation had saved 3 children, 2 mom’s and 1 sister by the end of my memorial week.

            So many showed up carrying pink tulips and purple iris’s to throw on to the flowing ocean beneath the Golden Gate Bridge. The time was perfect as the clouds parted, lifting the rain clouds and decorated the sky with the most vibrantly colored rainbow above the bridge. No tears were shed.

Art By: www-eso-garden-com

 Side note: I want to apologize if this post made you upset or made you cry. I knew something like this was going to make everyone cry. Heck it made me cry as I was typing it. But as I’ve said before, I’m a slave to my writing heart. I had to write what it told me and this time it used my dream as it’s wicked counter part. Also the main reason I wanted to post this, was because I’ve always had vividly colorful dreams. Random, whimsical, scary, dark and ominous, but this dream was different. Though it is very sad in nature, in my dream I didn’t feel pain, I didn’t feel sadness or longing. It was peacful and warm. An understanding came over me. I’ve spoken to a few people about my dream and they’ve ranged from, “Words from God” to “I’m a wondering spirit” to “Letting go of past mistakes and moving on with your life”, whichever it might be, I take comfort in knowing that In Death, it’s both comforting and not scary– to me anymore.

:::::UPDATE::::::: This just in from the Record Searchlight.

Crash on I-5 takes out fence near rest area

RED BLUFF – A rollover crash on northbound Interstate 5 damaged about 50 feet of chain-link fence at the Red Bluff rest area, a California Department of Transportation spokesman said.

Emergency personnel at the scene said no one was injured.

The vehicle was described as going “all over the roadway” before hitting a semitrailer about 1:50 p.m. and rolling over, the California Highway Patrol’s Web site reported

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16 thoughts on “My Death Dream (Get your kleenex before reading)

  1. That was the most moving blog I’ve read of yours. I am always touched by your words but this time it was so real and enigmatic that I actually shivered from you energy.

    1. And I always look forward to your comments. I’m so glad that my words literally moved you. But in no means did I mean to harm your mind with such dark images. As I’ve said in other comments, this entire dream, was awesome. I didn’t feel pain, or longing, or miss that my family was going to be without me. It was a blissful dream. Thank you once again for reading my post.

    1. It never crossed my mind that Kenny would read my blog. But having said that, this gave Kenny the opportunity to read something and feel emotions from it. This tell’s me he comprehends what he’s reading. I did explain to him about dream interpretations and he understood.

      Never would I want to tempt my child with the thought that he might lose me. But true to form I used it as a learning tool.

      His response after I explained everything, “I will tell you I love you every time you leave the house mom.”

  2. Wow you go girl. I loved it and you kept me reading the whole thing. And you know how I am about reading your stuff. This was the one I knew you could write about. It’s deep in side you, just letting the door open and getting it out. This is a big step. A big step down the road to life. I have never been more proud of you. For you to show the world what’s in side that loving heart of yours. And yes it did make me cry but to just think that my baby is gone before me. I dont ever want that again. It did make me think of a lot of things. And that’s a good thing… Maybe, maybe not. Only time will tell. I LOVE YOU.

    1. After Rafe and Beth’s response I was so afraid of what you and mom would say about this dream. I was afraid you guy’s wouldn’t read it all the way through. Because I think the ending and the apology is just as important as the beginning paragraph. But I see that my parents are stronger then most give them credit for. I love you daddy.

  3. You know, I said before that I don’t think it’s a bad thing when your posts make me cry. Things that makes me feel something are what stick with me, whether it’s a movie or a book, or a blog. This *was* such a vivid dream, I started to almost worry at the end that someone else had posted this for you, and that it had all happened just like that. (Silly thinking about it afterwards, because how could the person write so well from your perspective?) I could hear your voice telling that story, and that’s something I really love about reading the stuff you write. Thank you for sharing it, and don’t regret the tears I shed in reading it. What a lovely dream.

    1. WOW! You all are so responsive and kind. The dream was wonderful and emotional for me too. I cried writing it. Which say’s a lot. But the best part, was it made me ok with death. Where as before I feared it so much.

  4. I cried but not because of what dream you had(I think it is just letting go of past stuff by the way and not that we are going to be without you anytime soon!) but because of how beautifully you write. You truly have a gift Alena, you arrest your audience with your captivating words and we hang on every one. You are fantastic! And for Gods sake quit texting and driving!

  5. That was fucked up. I cried and that sucks. Your not allowed to write that kind of stuff. Your never going to die and neither is dad or mom. Ggggggrrrrr
    I’m never reading these things again.

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