When you give yourself so whole heartedly to someone else, I think your soul makes a permanent bond to that person. You reasonably over look the red flags, you justify certain unpleasant behaviors because you love them. That’s what your supposed to do, “In Love”. You’re bonded by law, religion and personal sacrifice, to each other. It becomes a respected relationship, if not respected, it is otherwise understood.
Now some will tell you to “not have sex before marriage”, “don’t get married too young”, or “don’t start a family before your ready”. But these are pieces of advice that are rather hard to follow but easy to say, especially when your heart is flutter pated. For me, it happened in that order. I met “The One”, as they’re usually called.
The first thing you want to do after meeting, “The One” is have sex, make love, do the nasty. You want to commit your body to this person. To unify the love. Naturally getting married is hardly a choice, it’s a given. It’s just the next step. Age, I doubt is ever a factor. Once the steps have been crossed, the kiss has been made and the names signed on the dotted line, that’s when the real work starts.
You begin compromising, sacrificing, and understanding the needs and wants of the other person on a whole different level. You get into your lovers quarrels, your fights, and the quickly to follow make up sex. You learn to budget your moods, bargain for favors, and promising the world for just a few more minutes of sleep. Wither you choose to start a family or not, it happens. (at least for us it did). This was the true test for our relationship. It catapulted us into adulthood.
When I least expected it I found myself alone with a baby, bills to pay, a missing husband that I had to hunt down every night. After a commitment such as marriage and the promise of a bright future and a family. I thought I had it all, locked tight. Nothing would come between us. We had been through so much together. (I’ll spare you the sad take on my marriage).
I wanted our life to be happy and normal. But the closer we got to it, I realized we were being under minded by two traitors. My whole marriage was based on a lie that I believed as truth. I would have bet my life on it. Even after the lie was revealed, I stayed by his side, convincing myself it wasn’t true. But what I wasn’t prepared for was for the truth to be so harsh, so raw, and so devastating.
When your standing face to face with the woman whom you unknowingly shared your husband with, whom pretended to be the mother to your child when you were working, who tried to wear your crown, is when the sky turns the darkest shade of black, your heart takes the sucker punch and you can’t remember how to breathe, for if you let the breath escape your lips you might crumble into a million un-mendable pieces. This is when you feel like the most vile, wretched form of yourself. Defending your self seems useless and demeaning. The burning feeling at your center core is charring your insides as you watch her stand by his side with pride while she looks down her bent nose at you. It makes you feel weak and second class. The ultimate, is seeing him look you in the eyes knowing he knows how much pain he just injected you with and seeing him not offer any kind of sympathy or explanation other then, “I just wanted to bag a stripper”. Watching him jerk his head and walk out the door hand-in-hand with her, leaving behind his unwanted trash, just about crushed me.
I was altered forever. A little less strong, a little less confident, a little broken. Over time I have healed more then I thought was ever going to be possible. I found the strength within to rebuild my foundation, to have the confidence to rise above a cocky-son-of-a-bitch and a home wrecker and anything else that got in my way. I put my efforts into my children and laid my faith in the rightful hands.
I will never do this to anyone. To hurt them in such a horrible way. To expose their threads to the world and pour salt on the wounds.
I’ve learned about karma. I’ve since watched karma strike him again, and again, and again. I’d like to say I got pleasure out of it, but I didn’t. I’m bonded to him. I don’t love him anymore, my body is no longer attached to him and my thoughts only wander in his direction when I think about our children. I have forgiven him and her, because if they knew any better and knew ME, they wouldn’t have done it. Therefore, if you are holding onto a past grudge, resentment, anger, let it go. Release them, and release yourself. Forgive whole heartedly, but never, ever forget!