Dear Diary…Hey God it’s me…To DMD…What’s up Blog friends?
I’ve learned something and I thought since I share close to everything with you I thought I’d share this with you as well. I’m a writer. Not an author, not a rock star, (though I channel Madonna often) not a waitress, not a therapist, not even a lion tamer – just simply a writer. I know what you’re thinking, “you’ve told us that already,” but this time I really mean it. Before I believed it too but this time, it’s permanent as a tattoo – maybe I should get one…I’ll think about that for a minute.
I’ve read plenty of blogs, Facebook comments, sat in on many conversations and heard people talking about how certain “activities” keep them from “going insane”, “keep the depression at bay” and I never quite understood all that – but I do now.
I apologize for thinking I could push my writing aside, put my notebook away, and not write. I gave it an honest try. Just to give you a better idea of what I’m talking about; imagine a dam full of water about to burst at the seams; that’s my head with all the thoughts and ideas cresting against its edges. At any moment the flood gates are going to open and release the over-flow into the rivers and cause chaos everywhere. It’s a full bladder on a bumpy gravel road with a sneeze tickling your nose.
Well for me, my mind was filling up, making me depressed, uncomfortable in my own skin, it was putting a chip on my shoulder and causing me to lose sight of the meaningful things in my life – I couldn’t focus enough to pay attention. (We all know Alena needs to keep her self out of the Classic Alena blogs, so paying attention is vital) But the worst feeling was the depression. I’ve worked so hard with the help from my loving boyfriend to channel the excesses of my melancholy doldrums, into positive things and to have that blanket of fog clouding my mind and happiness – was just about heart breaking.
That’s when I realized something’s wrong and I couldn’t put my finger on it. What caused the up-set? What changed? How could I go from so happy to so sad in just a few short weeks? If these walls start tumbling down, I’ll lose my faith, I’ll lose everything. HELP! HELP! Don’t suck me down the deep dark hole; I don’t want to be there again. All the colors began mixing together into grey. There was emptiness inside of me, breaking my heart, leaving me with nightmares and fantasies of bad habits that I’ve managed to keep under lock and key for many years tempting me with its evil sharpness.
Then this morning I was driving to work listening to my CD’s. I fumbled for an old one and Dave Matthews Band found its home once again, in my heart cradling my delicate temperament with their soothing melodies and rhythmic tempo’s. His voice was coaching my confidence back to the one thing He and I both knew would calm me – my writing.
I should have known better then to try and stop writing. My writing is just as much a person in my life as my boyfriend and my children are. Telling me from the corner of our living room, “You can not quit me so quickly.” I wouldn’t say it’s a drug for me because it much healthier then a drug though it does make me feel high sometimes. When I type out an emotion and people feel it just as strongly as I felt it. When someone reads my words and they can’t get it out of their head, it makes feel like I can change the world, give someone hope or confidence or even a different perspective.
For my health, my family, and my friends I need to make sure “I make lemonade taste like a summer day”, push the bad away with gentle stories of childhood adventures, to see the truth in what lye behind the real stories of the news and the only way that that is possible is through my black letters on a white background, music making the thoughts flow through my veins and into my fingers, pushing my pen which allows me to take the pressures off my mind and heart, giving me hope and happiness back again.
I Love Words!