Lifting The Blanket

 

Dear DiaryHey God it’s meTo DMD…What’s up Blog friends?

I’ve learned something and I thought since I share close to everything with you I thought I’d share this with you as well. I’m a writer. Not an author, not a rock star, (though I channel Madonna often) not a waitress, not a therapist, not even a lion tamer – just simply a writer. I know what you’re thinking, “you’ve told us that already,” but this time I really mean it. Before I believed it too but this time, it’s permanent as a tattoo – maybe I should get one…I’ll think about that for a minute.

I’ve read plenty of blogs, Facebook comments, sat in on many conversations and heard people talking about how certain “activities” keep them from “going insane”, “keep the depression at bay” and I never quite understood all that – but I do now.

I apologize for thinking I could push my writing aside, put my notebook away, and not write. I gave it an honest try. Just to give you a better idea of what I’m talking about; imagine a dam full of water about to burst at the seams; that’s my head with all the thoughts and ideas cresting against its edges. At any moment the flood gates are going to open and release the over-flow into the rivers and cause chaos everywhere. It’s a full bladder on a bumpy gravel road with a sneeze tickling your nose.

Well for me, my mind was filling up, making me depressed, uncomfortable in my own skin, it was putting a chip on my shoulder and causing me to lose sight of the meaningful things in my life – I couldn’t focus enough to pay attention. (We all know Alena needs to keep her self out of the Classic Alena blogs, so paying attention is vital) But the worst feeling was the depression. I’ve worked so hard with the help from my loving boyfriend to channel the excesses of my melancholy doldrums, into positive things and to have that blanket of fog clouding my mind and happiness – was just about heart breaking.

That’s when I realized something’s wrong and I couldn’t put my finger on it. What caused the up-set? What changed? How could I go from so happy to so sad in just a few short weeks? If these walls start tumbling down, I’ll lose my faith, I’ll lose everything. HELP! HELP! Don’t suck me down the deep dark hole; I don’t want to be there again. All the colors began mixing together into grey. There was emptiness inside of me, breaking my heart, leaving me with nightmares and fantasies of bad habits that I’ve managed to keep under lock and key for many years tempting me with its evil sharpness.

Then this morning I was driving to work listening to my CD’s. I fumbled for an old one and Dave Matthews Band found its home once again, in my heart cradling my delicate temperament with their soothing melodies and rhythmic tempo’s. His voice was coaching my confidence back to the one thing He and I both knew would calm me – my writing.

I should have known better then to try and stop writing. My writing is just as much a person in my life as my boyfriend and my children are. Telling me from the corner of our living room, “You can not quit me so quickly.” I wouldn’t say it’s a drug for me because it much healthier then a drug though it does make me feel high sometimes. When I type out an emotion and people feel it just as strongly as I felt it. When someone reads my words and they can’t get it out of their head, it makes feel like I can change the world, give someone hope or confidence or even a different perspective.

For my health, my family, and my friends I need to make sure “I make lemonade taste like a summer day”, push the bad away with gentle stories of childhood adventures, to see the truth in what lye behind the real stories of the news and the only way that that is possible is through my black letters on a white background, music making the thoughts flow through my veins and into my fingers, pushing my pen which allows me to take the pressures off my mind and heart, giving me hope and happiness back again.

I Love Words!

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4 thoughts on “Lifting The Blanket

  1. Please stick to writing my dear friend! I do actually enjoy coming here and reading it (even if I dont always comment). I love you and would be seriously upset if the old ways of dealing came to the surface.

  2. Um…I’m not quite sure why you decided to quit writing (temporarily?) or that you did. I was under the impression you were on hiatus because of pressing classroom matters. Whatever, I’m glad you clumb down from that tree, it’s no fun here when friends don’t come out to play. Writing is so solitary, that’s part of what I love about it, too. But I love writers and good writing (hence that I’m also an avid reader). So welcome back – and shame on you for leaving. I kid, I’ve tried to abandon ship, too, before.

    I know how it feels….like it’s a wash, pointless…. no one even reads this crap I write. But it’s not crap, is it? And people do read. But more important than them is me (or in this case directed at you). You can either write or lance that boil that’ll grow on the ass of your soul. Now that doesn’t sound like too much fun, now does it? XOXO

    1. I was on a “slow down” due to my class work. But with the bad news that I had an extended module added it depressed me. Then a bunch of other highly emotional events happened and I found myself giving up my “writing time” to sort out my life and I honestly thought that I could put writing aside and complete my class work, deal with life and be ok. But I’ve since learned that that’s not the case. And it wasn’t until my Favorite Band decided to talk some sense into me via sax, drums, violin, piano, cello, guitar, and some insanely truthful lyrics.

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