What Would I Tell Myself 10 Years Ago?

Being that I’m 31 right now, that would mean that ten years ago I was 21. What was I doing when I was 21, I was living in Oregon with my husband Ken and my almost 3 year old son Kenny. We lived in a house that was on the border of a highway and over looked Coos Bay. I was working at The Mill Casino in North Bend and Ken was working at Oyster Cove. I was working insane hours while our son was in a great day-care and Ken was learning many different dishes to prepare.

What I later found out was that my husband would meet a guy who was connected in an illegal-drug type of way to a strip club. Ken was encouraging me to work as many hours as I could to pay our bills. My tips were what fed us nightly and his pay check covered whatever part of the bills he could pay. He was playing pool more and more. He would later introduce me to a couple of people that set off alarms deep inside of me but he reassured me that they were “good people”. One of the girls was out-going and slightly annoying with the way she always seemed to be on-the-go and looking for a party.

When everything started revealing its self to me and the red flags were waving, it was already too late. My heart wanted to believe that my husband wouldn’t deal drugs out of our house while our son lay sleeping in his bedroom. He was calling off work because drug dealing was becoming more profitable for him. The women that he introduced me to, came by my work to “investigate” their competition all the while pretending to be my friend.

After leaving him and moving back to California to live with my mom, it was then that I was told by my husbands best friend, “Ken’s been cheating on you with that stripper, Amanada, for months. I watched him be so mean to you, then turn around and bring her by being all lovey dovey with her. It’s not right Alena. Stay away and find someone better.”  What do you do then? How do you find out if its true? How do you move on?

What strippers really look like away from the black lights

I confronted Ken about these allegations, hoping in my mind that Clint was wrong and he was lying, deep down I knew he was right, but I had to hear it from Ken himself. Once the words fell from his lips my whole world came crashing down. How could I be such a fool? Why did I trust him? What do I do now?

I tried to save my marriage by forgiving him. After Aubry was born, I realized that his old habits weren’t dying. Leaving Ken was best thing I could have done for my children. He isn’t nearly the man I thought he was and I’ve become a stronger person and became The Rock my children needed. Would I change anything that happened if I could go back 10 years, probably not because it would have changed who I am today.

But since I’ve decided to go back and tell myself something 10 years ago, this is what I’d say:

“Life is going to hit you pretty hard but you’re going to make it out better than you can imagine. You’re a strong woman and an amazing mom, find strength in your children and just know that no matter what happens this is going to be an awesome change and your life will only prosper from it. Just be strong and know that you’re nothing less of Fuckin Perfect.”

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6 thoughts on “What Would I Tell Myself 10 Years Ago?

  1. What I love is that you realize you can’t go back and you shouldn’t go back and change things because what happened to you then made you who you are today. And who you are today is a good thing and you will grow from here to become an even better and even stronger person.
    Rafe’ You are a dirty old man and I still likes Ya!!!

  2. I thought you were going to say more about, what you would tell yourself. I know you have learned more that what you are saying here.I have seen you grow and share what you learened from those days just by you teaching Susan. Where you have been and where you are now. Speak it girl tell your story. Like I know you can. Love Mom

    1. Your right mom. Susan actually helped me to realize everything I’ve learned by teaching her. But this wasn’t really the blog post to tell about it. Nor do I think I’m ready to share my story openly yet. But I will say, this blog is strictly about, “WHAT I WOULD SAY TO MYSELF BACK THEN” as if I can go back and time and speak myself. Knowing the future and trying to not change the future by telling my past self something would be hard and I wouldn’t want the outcome to be different.

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