I wish I could make it easy to love me. Every day I try and I find another reason to love you. Every day I see another reason why I make it harder for you. I don’t know if there will be a day where it’s easy. I don’t think love is ever easy. I know it feels effortless in the beginning but its rare to honestly make love easy. I find I’m constantly stuck here in between, coming or going, loving or loathing, happy or sad, speechless or loquacious. Either way, I’m continually looking for the right words to say exactly how I feel, how to make the situation better, making the words sound grounded and lucid.
I know every one struggles in relationships, but my relationships have always been a rough undertaking exerting everything in its wake. To me, this is normal. To me, this is how its been and always will be. Sure, I’m looking for easy and calm. But that remains elusive.
I wake up thankful for the heater that is curled snuggling against my back snoring in my ear with a calm and soothing rhythm. I can smell the softness in his left over cologne from the day before and I can feel the roughness about his palms clasped loosely around my wrist.
I take pride in watching how thing’s magically work themselves out for the better when we are both working for the same outcome. Some how we’re able to weave our threads together and make it fit imperfectly.
I find my heart full and content when I look up and see you staring right at me with a hint of smile in the curve of your lips and the twinkle in your eye knowing I made you happy enough to smile just by standing here looking at you.
These are the moments that I fight for. These are the feeling’s that I protect and honor with every stitch of myself. These are the loving moments that make it all worth the effort. These emotions are what keep us together through the rough words of contempt and anger. This is why we fight so hard and love so passionately.